Today I woke up to a Real Update on my little LOVE!!!
Daisy is walking now and I am so proud of her and more in love than EVER!
I didn't think it was possible. I cannot wait to hold my little girl!!

Where am I in the Process?

I am so happy to say that our Home Study is complete and we are now waiting for USCIS approval. This can take anywhere from 2 to 3 months from what I hear and they received my stuff about a week ago. Within 2 weeks I will get my 'eightieth' fingerprint appointment (because my fingerprints have changed) and then I'll wait again.
Baby steps. Not my timing.

Today I got a long awaited update on my little Daisy. Unfortunately it is 2 1/2 years old so I guess I don't know much more than I did before. The pictures were all the same ones I already have too :(
I imagine she's tiny for a 3 year old. I was so hoping to get some measurements and updated pictures.
But that's the way it is in the adoption world. You get what you get and there are never any guarantees.

Ziggy gets up every morning and starts talking about Daisy. Zoie is really getting into it too and likes to show people her picture. We think about her all the time as if she were already here. And she is, if only in our Hearts.
Missing her.

Daisy Faith...She Was Always My Child

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break."
--An ancient Chinese belief

I know this to be true, although there are at least three different ways I believe your child can come to you through adoption that I have personally experienced.

One way, as I experienced with my Ziggy, is you pick a gender and the age range you are comfortable with and then you wait. Your agency is on the lookout for your child and when they feel like they have found a child that would be a good fit for your family they send you the referral. You can decline of course if you don't 'feel' anything but I'm not sure how many 'chances' you get. This is the 'healthy' track. It's a bit more like giving birth in the sense that you don't ever see a face until they are yours. That was really easy for me to embrace. It was amazing actually. Easy.

I thought at the time it was the only way I personally could do it. After all I thought, how could you look at all those pictures like in a SN adoption and 'pick' just one? They are ALL deserving of love and a family to call their own and I didn't think I could just 'pick'. Yes, when you are adopting a Special Needs child you you look at pictures. You look at so many pictures and you read the stories. Your Heart breaks for these precious needy motherless children. It has to be this way I suppose because people want you to be sure you can handle a certain need, even handle the way it may 'look'. 

I started on the 'healthy' track with Zoie as well, all those years ago. Then in 2013 when I woke up one morning and 'knew' all of a sudden that she was a SN child I was a bit nervous about how I would find her. How could I 'pick'? How I would find MY child? How I would 'know' it was Zoie?

I picked my age range and gender along with the two needs I was comfortable with. I knew I couldn't 'pick' so I resolved that I would accept the very first referral my agency sent me as long as she had one of the needs I had picked. tHAT would be my child. Sort of the same way Ziggy came. Then I waited. I would browse the photo listing of Waiting Children while I was waiting knowing very well I would never 'pick' but I couldn't stop looking. I suppose it was a way to pass the time. Then my agency started sending me random referrals of children that had different needs than I had picked and it made me so uncomfortable to reject them that I asked them to stop sending me random referrals and to wait until they had MY child.

So they stopped. Until about a month or two later. Then they sent another random referral. I honestly thought 'of all the nerve'. But I had to look. Of course I had to look.

She didn't have the needs I had picked but I RECOGNIZED her. That is what I call 'child recognition'. You can't explain it, you just 'know'. It was so Godly.

This is how I met my sweet Daisy:

Remember when I said I was browsing the Photo listing of waiting Children just to pass the time while I was waiting for Zoie back in 2014? Well there was this little tiny peanut I saw that found her way into my heart. I thought at the time that it was just because she was SO cute. I knew she wasn't Zoie because she had Down Syndrome and that need wasn't even on my list. Of course they are ALL cute, but there was just something about 'Dakota'.

Two months home with Zoie I thought about her. I decided to check on her and see if she'd been scooped up...but there she still was. I couldn't believe it because how could no one pick her? I thought the poor little thing to be on this list for so long just waiting for love.

I didn't realize at the time that the first time I had seen her was the first time my agency had her file and could post her picture in the listing. I didn't know that my agency could only have her file for 3 months and then she would go to another agency for 3 months and so on and so on. The limit per agency to have a file was 3 months. A one time thing. I didn't know at the time that the second time I saw her after being home only 2 months with Zoie was because my agency had her completely by 'accident'. Someone had picked her file not realizing they had had her the previous year. And that was right when I checked on her again. Coincidence? I don't think so.

She had been passed around through several agencies that year I was working hard to bring Zoie home. Many parents were interested enough in her to request her file and have it reviewed by a Doctor but every single time they all rejected her. I 'knew' it was because she was MY child. I 'knew' then that she was waiting for ME.

But wait...I was done. I had my two perfect children and I never wanted to go through this grueling process again. I even named Ziggy and Zoie with a Z signifying the end of my procreation so to speak. I wasn't even home two months and we all needed time to settle, to mesh together. To adjust. I couldn't start this process again with all that is required while we weren't even settled yet. This was too much too soon, wasn't it?

I made a list of all the reasons this was just NOT a good idea at the top of which was not having 34,000 dollars but I had many other reasons as well. Zoie would be jealous and blah blah blah. I talked to God. I argued with him.  'What are you thinking'? I asked. It seemed the more I argued the more settled this sweet child became in my heart. And then she was just not going anywhere.

I started the process with the same agency that helped me bring Ziggy and Zoie home. I put her picture up on the mantle.  I told the kids they were getting a new sister and Ziggy for one has talked about her every single day since then. He said we should adopt ALL the sisters from China. C'mon kid. 

I found out I could reuse my Dossier of Zoie and save lots of money. Someone else told me about Grants. I never knew there were people willing to help fund adoptions. I had paid for my first two adoptions virtually on my own and I liked it that way. It was very hard Fundraising and asking for money to help with Zoie's travel costs and although many friends helped me out it wasn't all that successful. Besides I like to be the giver.

Zoie showed me a most nurturing side of herself through other children and all her dolls. I could see that God was eliminating my list of 'why nots' one by one. 

Then I reminded my agency that I needed a waiver for my age. I was too old now. Too old to adopt someone so young from China. They were sorry they said but it would not be possible to adopt Daisy. China was not granting waivers any longer. Gutted. I asked them to advocate. They sent an email to China. China said no. Gutted. I insisted they try again. They said they did (I have my doubts) and that China said no again. That was it they said. STOP bothering us about this.

Crying. Grieving. Wrenching.

At my 6 month Post Placement visit I shared Daisy with my Social Worker. I cried. He suggested I talk with his boss who was my Home Study agency. They were also an Adoption Agency. Who knew? So I emailed her but to be honest I had no hope. But just like God revealed to me that Daisy was my child he brought me to this woman. She is a WARRIOR! Who Knew?

Within 2 weeks she had my waiver sent directly from the CCCWA in China and written in Chinese and English both! This Woman. This perfect Angel. I wasn't too old. HA

Sweet Daisy Faith who started out being named Daisy Starr because we have matching scars along the front of our chests. Never have I done anything as seemingly crazy as this, jumping in with both feet, nose unplugged, not knowing how to swim, having Faith that God will lead me where I am supposed to go just as he led me to this precious child, showing me how to float and not give in to the rapids. I have doubts like every other hour. I cry quite often. I get scared about the money. I don't have it. I can max out my credit cards but then those payments. And the fees for cash advances and all the money that I need to bring in crispy hundreds. You can't put those fees on a credit card. It is overwhelming sometimes. But I keep coming back to having Faith. Daisy's new and forever name because it is just way too fitting. I come back to Faith that God will provide. After all I mean, so far so good. I have always had everything I needed. My life is a legacy of this. How could I stop believing now? And he has brought me to ALL my children via this invisible thread.

I know I had to learn a deeper Faith. I am doing that. I am trying. Money is such an illusion and yet I need an amount equal to an average person's yearly income. It's actually incredible to think about. But yeah, Faith. It's a very powerful thing. It's not knowing.

It's not knowing but believing anyway. When I'm not afraid it feels like an incredible adventure. Fear is so YUCK. I will pick Faith.

Daisy Faith Xuan You are LOVED. You WILL come home!

Reflections on this Life and the Many Miracles

Sometimes it just amazes me how life takes these twists and turns and you end up somewhere you never even considered before. I am there now, at a turning point in my life and as I sit and reflect on the path that took me here I am more than a little bit in Awe of it all.

Let me back up a little.
Since I was a teenager I have been pondering the meaning of it all. I mean, what is the Purpose of this life we have been given? Certainly it can't be to just live and die. Or just pay taxes and die as I have seen posted many times now on facebook. But something much bigger.
But what was it?
What was my Purpose?
I had a child at 20. It's a BOY!!!! and I knew I was meant to be a mother.
I had always dreamed of that as a child.
To be a mother and a teacher and now I was both.
Six years later I had another child. It's a GIRL!!!! How blessed was I?
Then six years after that I had TWINS!!!! It's a GIRL and a BOY!!!! Holy Cow life couldn't be any better and I couldn't be richer. This was the meaning of my life. Or rather, this gave my life meaning. I knew it. It was my Purpose.

Still I had that nagging though. Was that all?
Don't get me wrong. Having and raising my children was the most rewarding thing I had ever done. Ever imagined doing. Children are the best teachers and mine have filled me up.
But I had a nagging feeling that there was so much more. But what was it?

Not long after that I started to do childcare for some of my friends. I had a passion for teaching the young and my friends felt it. They trusted me with their precious children and maybe they will never know just what that meant to me. I opened my own Childcare/Preschool and taught children, through play, everything they needed to know before they entered Kindergarden. My own children were proof in the pudding so to speak that I was doing something right and other people really began to take notice. I did offer something that other childcare and preschool facilities didn't though.
I loved ALL the children in my care. Yes as if they were my own. I think that made a huge difference. After all how could a chiId spend 10 hours a day somewhere, not being loved, not being kissed, not being hugged and not being told how amazing they are? I knew I couldn't waste this precious time. They were only this young for 'so' long and I wanted to make a difference.

Then my best friend died. Yes, he had been ill for much of his young life but that he would die never entered my mind. Perhaps it couldn't. I am very sensitive and had I known this I'm not sure how I would have coped. I lost him and my children lost their dad. It was gutting to say the least.
I am sure I didn't cope all that well. I did learn well how to shove it all down as no one wants a crying mother/teacher, and only at night after everyone was asleep did I allow the flood gates to open. And boy did they run. It worked for me.

Years went by and I thought to myself I would never be able to stop that flood. Time made nothing easier. It was merely that much longer that I didn't have my best friend. That much more that I missed him. Would I ever be alright? Would I ever feel as rich as I once did?
One day when my oldest daughter was home on break from college she randomly said "Mom you should adopt a little girl from China" "She's going to be a Leo" she said. It was God coming through this child to help move me in the direction of my next path. I know this because as soon as she said it I knew I would do it. I knew this was my new path. An even bigger Purpose.
We ran downstairs to the computer and immediately got started. Something so heavy simply lifted off of me and I felt so happy. Really happy.

I had only 3 months to complete my Home Study and submit my Dossier as China was changing all their rules. Just give ME a challenge! I was logged in 3 days early!
I thought it was a 14 month wait but that changed along with all the new rules. Because I didn't know anything (truly NOTHING) about the computer I didn't realize that the wait, specifically for me was going to be 10 years. I was on the healthy track because I felt that was what was right for me at the time. I had such a demanding schedule running my Preschool and whenever I took a day off 8 other families had to do the same. I felt that it wasn't fair to bring a child home that may have serious medical needs and expect all my clients to go along with that uncertain schedule. So I waited.

Three years went by and I learned the computer!! Well, I learned how to turn it on and scroll the wall on facebook and how to write emails. Haha but that was a lot for me!
It's then that I  realized that I would be waiting quite a long time for my little girl. I would check in with God every year and I would ask if she was maybe SN but he always said to keep waiting.
Now I know why. She wasn't even born yet!!!
I decided to bring her brother home. With my bio kids getting older I didn't want her to be raised as an only child. I was led to Ethiopia. I asked my husband to send me the cutest baby in all of Ethiopia. I knew he could see everything from where he was. He had been adopted from Germany as Zigfreid. His parents then changed his name to Steve. I told him I would name the boy after him and call him Ziggy. Ten years after Steve died, on the exact day of his death I got a referral for the cutest baby in all of Ethiopia. His name was Yared. You guessed it, it means 'sent from Heaven'!!! and what a way to change a sad day into a happy one! God truly does work in mysterious ways.
Little Ziggy Lion Yared came home in September 2011 and we were overjoyed!!
The wait for Zoie continued. Yes I had named my faceless child Zoie Love and whatever her Chinese name would be.

A couple of years went by and I was working so hard. I got to be with Ziggy all day because I ran my Preschool out of my house but the one on one was just not there as much as I wanted it to be.
I decided to sell my house and I ended up in Washington. Now I could continue childcare but on a much smaller scale and spend the time with Ziggy that I knew he needed. The hardest thing was leaving my older kids. Yes they were off to college and working and had their own places to live, had their own lives but it was hard for me. It still is truth be told. But hey, I had taught them to follow their dreams and fly out into the word. Apparently they had been listening.

I thought I would wait here for my 'healthy' Zoie. I had a few more years to go, but before I was even unpacked I woke up one morning with what I can only call a very Urgent message. Zoie was ready o come home, she was SN after all (well now I had more time to devote) and I was to reopen my adoption case.
So I did. To be honest I was a little scared of the SN label. I wasn't sure I was capable let alone worthy to care for a child with SN. So I picked the needs that didn't seem like 'real' needs to me. Microtia, missing or malformed limbs. Stuff like that. Easy stuff. I was sure that Zoie had one of those. I even had a dream that she had one of those needs and told my agency to stop sending me random referrals for children with more serious needs because every time I rejected them I felt horrible. I cried a lot. I cried for all the children. But I wanted MY child. The one missing some part of her body. So my agency stopped sending me random referrals. Now I felt ignored and alone.
I was just waiting. But the alternative was too hard. So I kept waiting.
Then one day a couple of months later I got another random referral. Of all the nerve.
Of course I had to look. How could I not? I prepared myself. Stay neutral, this is not your child.
It said in the email she was developmentally delayed. I knew what that meant. She wasn't missing an ear or even a limb. Then I opened the file and saw her face.

I stared a bit I admit. She was so familiar. I knew that face somehow. Still I remained unattached.
Just read about her I told myself. Don't attach. So I read. She was a Leo. Her name was Mi. What???
Zoie Love Mi? I can't explain it. I knew she was my child. Any fear I had about developmental delay disappeared. I forwarded the email to my oldest daughter in Australia. I didn't add anything. I just wanted to know what she thought without my input. She called me right away. She 'knew' as well that this was her sister! It was confirmed and God's hands were all over this! of course. Haha.
Just like every other Miracle in my life. As far as her development we were prepared for the worst. Her file said she didn't speak, and she had just learned to walk at 2 1/2 thanks to the mother in the foster care home she had been transferred to at 1 1/2 after experiencing failure to thrive in the orphanage. We brought sweet Zoie home at the end of April 2015.
She was almost 3.

Now 8 months home and 3 1/2 years old Zoie is fluent in English, talking even better than her brother Ziggy did at 4 years old. She is smart as a whip and I find myself thinking if she is delayed then what am I?
Misdiagnoses does happen. On the other hand it is amazing what a difference a little bit of love and food can make in a child's life. Ok change that to a LOT of love and Tons of food!!! HA
I have been so blessed and those blessings just keep on comin'.
I realize now that my whole life God had led me, to train and prepare me for the Miracles that are now coming into my life. All this would have been so overwhelming when I was 20 years old.
Now I am 54 and I know that I need every bit of experience and expertise that I have under my belt.
My Purpose keeps on getting Bigger and I am ready for Anything!!!