She Panics
My little Love. She was born in China and spent 6 whole months with her biological mother. I have to think there was huge love there. Maybe even hope of keeping her forever. I don't know what happened but after 6 months she was left on the doorstep of an orphanage. Her first huge loss.
She is such a sensitive child. She felt that loss on a cellular level. She spent a full year at the orphanage where her little spirt started to slowly diminish.
She's a Leo child.
You can't ignore a Leo child.
You can't not love a Leo child.
I know because I have 3 Leo children and one on the way.
A child born under that sign is strong, yes. And extremely sensitive. A child born under this sign likes a lot of attention. They like to be noticed and they virtually glow when they are praised. She was so sad there in the orphanage where she received nothing that a child craves, especially a Leo child. It's evident in her pictures from there. She was failing to thrive and emotionally withdrawn. She didn't walk and she didn't talk. She was a lost child. A Lioness without a Pride.
So they diagnosed her with developmental delays. Except they used the R word. Then they moved her into a Foster Home. She was 1 1/2 years old. She may not have thrived in the orphanage but it was what she knew. It was familiar. This was her second huge loss.
At her Foster home she had a foster mother a foster father and a foster sister. She did better there and she became attached to her foster mother. She learned to walk when she was 2 1/2 after almost a year there. She started to babble.
Then I went to China to get her. To bring my Darling child home to her Family. To love her forever.
This was her third huge loss and she was older now and it really stung. In her mind she already had a mother. Finally. And now she was torn away again. She was so unhappy. She cried and cried and cried and screamed. My heart broke for my little girl and it didn't help that she didn't understand a word that I said. Except 'I Love You'. But it meant nothing to her in all her pain. She would have done anything to go back. Back to what she knew. What was familiar.
I took her away. I took her home. I loved her with everything I had and I told her every day that I would love her forever and I would never ever leave her. I told we we would always be together.
But what does the word 'forever' mean to a child this young? It's just a word.
Everything was going beautifully. She was bonding with me and with her brother and she was glowing. She was happy. She would frequently say she was 'kai shing'. She learned the English language and things became better still.
Then 4 months later we went to Hawaii for a wedding and family reunion. We rented a car. It wasn't our car. We rented a hotel. It wasn't our house. It was a hotel. Just like the one we stayed in in China when she experienced her third huge loss. There were new people that got into our car and if she lost sight of me even for a second she panicked. She totally freaked. She woke up every night with terrors and would cry and cry. I quickly realized my little girl thought she would be leaving her her mama yet again. No amount of talking would make her understand. I had to stay close. She was glued to my hip and as long as she was, she was fine. Just don't put her in her car seat and get out of the car for ANY reason. Instant Panic. The freaking out kind. The kind that stems from a memory on a cellular level. She was sure this would be another 'pass off'.
Then we flew back home and things got back to normal. A few months later we met a friend north of Seattle to go to the zoo. I was in the car with her and Ziggy when my friend got in as well. She Panicked. She was sure this was it. The relief when she realized that I wasn't leaving. Or did she even realize it? I don't know, but I didn't leave her side. Then we drove home without my friend and it was fine.
She has been home a full year ow and can speak fluent English. We went to the creek recently and met a mother with 2 kids. We played all day and then packed it up to go home. The other mother was parked next to us and opened up the back of her SUV to dry off her kids. Ziggy got in too just to sit. Zoie wanted to get in too. I put her in. Then I walked to our car to put our things away. And she Panicked. She had been so brave to get in and I had walked away. I felt horrible for her. I held her and told her that I would never ever leave her. Not ever. Then we went home and it was fine.
I think about China and going back for Daisy. It is obvious I cannot leave Zoie. No amount of saving money is worth that kind of anguish. She may very well never fully recover from the panic she would experience. It is not an option.
But then I think about when we are there. The memories that will flood her little brain and all the cells in her little tiny body. Will she think I'm trading her in? Will she think she will have to stay? Same sort of hotel. Same sort of van and driver. Same sort of experience, only for someone else. I Pray she doesn't experience that severe anxiety. I plan to glue her to my hip the entire time. It will help so much having her brother there who doesn't experience the same feelings as she does. He is a calming force for her. In many ways he is her rock.
We talk about China every day. We will travel in 2 short months. She talks about her sister Daisy and all the things she will help her learn and all the toys she will play with her. She is visibly excited but mostly I think she is mimicking Ziggy, who really gets it.
And then I think that this experience of going to China to bring her sister home, once it's over, will solidify in her on a cellular level, that I will never leave her and she is home for good.
Forever and ever. This is my Prayer.
My little Love. She was born in China and spent 6 whole months with her biological mother. I have to think there was huge love there. Maybe even hope of keeping her forever. I don't know what happened but after 6 months she was left on the doorstep of an orphanage. Her first huge loss.
She is such a sensitive child. She felt that loss on a cellular level. She spent a full year at the orphanage where her little spirt started to slowly diminish.
She's a Leo child.
You can't ignore a Leo child.
You can't not love a Leo child.
I know because I have 3 Leo children and one on the way.
A child born under that sign is strong, yes. And extremely sensitive. A child born under this sign likes a lot of attention. They like to be noticed and they virtually glow when they are praised. She was so sad there in the orphanage where she received nothing that a child craves, especially a Leo child. It's evident in her pictures from there. She was failing to thrive and emotionally withdrawn. She didn't walk and she didn't talk. She was a lost child. A Lioness without a Pride.
So they diagnosed her with developmental delays. Except they used the R word. Then they moved her into a Foster Home. She was 1 1/2 years old. She may not have thrived in the orphanage but it was what she knew. It was familiar. This was her second huge loss.
At her Foster home she had a foster mother a foster father and a foster sister. She did better there and she became attached to her foster mother. She learned to walk when she was 2 1/2 after almost a year there. She started to babble.
Then I went to China to get her. To bring my Darling child home to her Family. To love her forever.
This was her third huge loss and she was older now and it really stung. In her mind she already had a mother. Finally. And now she was torn away again. She was so unhappy. She cried and cried and cried and screamed. My heart broke for my little girl and it didn't help that she didn't understand a word that I said. Except 'I Love You'. But it meant nothing to her in all her pain. She would have done anything to go back. Back to what she knew. What was familiar.
I took her away. I took her home. I loved her with everything I had and I told her every day that I would love her forever and I would never ever leave her. I told we we would always be together.
But what does the word 'forever' mean to a child this young? It's just a word.
Everything was going beautifully. She was bonding with me and with her brother and she was glowing. She was happy. She would frequently say she was 'kai shing'. She learned the English language and things became better still.
Then 4 months later we went to Hawaii for a wedding and family reunion. We rented a car. It wasn't our car. We rented a hotel. It wasn't our house. It was a hotel. Just like the one we stayed in in China when she experienced her third huge loss. There were new people that got into our car and if she lost sight of me even for a second she panicked. She totally freaked. She woke up every night with terrors and would cry and cry. I quickly realized my little girl thought she would be leaving her her mama yet again. No amount of talking would make her understand. I had to stay close. She was glued to my hip and as long as she was, she was fine. Just don't put her in her car seat and get out of the car for ANY reason. Instant Panic. The freaking out kind. The kind that stems from a memory on a cellular level. She was sure this would be another 'pass off'.
Then we flew back home and things got back to normal. A few months later we met a friend north of Seattle to go to the zoo. I was in the car with her and Ziggy when my friend got in as well. She Panicked. She was sure this was it. The relief when she realized that I wasn't leaving. Or did she even realize it? I don't know, but I didn't leave her side. Then we drove home without my friend and it was fine.
She has been home a full year ow and can speak fluent English. We went to the creek recently and met a mother with 2 kids. We played all day and then packed it up to go home. The other mother was parked next to us and opened up the back of her SUV to dry off her kids. Ziggy got in too just to sit. Zoie wanted to get in too. I put her in. Then I walked to our car to put our things away. And she Panicked. She had been so brave to get in and I had walked away. I felt horrible for her. I held her and told her that I would never ever leave her. Not ever. Then we went home and it was fine.
I think about China and going back for Daisy. It is obvious I cannot leave Zoie. No amount of saving money is worth that kind of anguish. She may very well never fully recover from the panic she would experience. It is not an option.
But then I think about when we are there. The memories that will flood her little brain and all the cells in her little tiny body. Will she think I'm trading her in? Will she think she will have to stay? Same sort of hotel. Same sort of van and driver. Same sort of experience, only for someone else. I Pray she doesn't experience that severe anxiety. I plan to glue her to my hip the entire time. It will help so much having her brother there who doesn't experience the same feelings as she does. He is a calming force for her. In many ways he is her rock.
We talk about China every day. We will travel in 2 short months. She talks about her sister Daisy and all the things she will help her learn and all the toys she will play with her. She is visibly excited but mostly I think she is mimicking Ziggy, who really gets it.
And then I think that this experience of going to China to bring her sister home, once it's over, will solidify in her on a cellular level, that I will never leave her and she is home for good.
Forever and ever. This is my Prayer.
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